NYE '08

Hello blog on the other side.

Long time no write.

It's new year's eve.

And I'm obviously at home.

My friend said at east coast, at midnight, the offshore tankers would fire up flares and sound their horns. I'm thinking of going to take a look later. I din ask him along. Wanted to, but juz din. Dun really noe why, juz a lot of inertia. Might be becus i wanted some time alone. Might be becus i din want to disturb him. But i dun really noe.

Can't help thinking.

One year ago this day, I had one of the best days of my life. Guess it's hard to beat times like that. But gotta say this year's such stark difference from the last. Well, i told myself, at least there's a high chance next year would be better than this.

Maybe tat's y i seem to be making myself as miserable as possible this eve.

I dunno wat else to write.

Happy New Year

-_- 麻醉自己

"Bubbly". Such a nice song when i first heard it. Might turn out to be about having great sex in the end. WTH...

Boy meets up with "Good Fren" after a long time.
Boy falls for "Good Fren".
"Good Fren" rejects boy.
Boy confides in "Good Fren 2".
Boy doesn't see "Good Fren" in a while.
"Good Fren" starts a relationship with "Good Fren 2".

Perfect.

I is so regret what i did.

And it scares me that i can't run, i can't study, i can't sleep, and i can't eat enuf junk or watch enuf TV to make myself feel that bit better.

I is screwed up..

If my blog were more popular, i might be able to seek advice from my viewers when i have qns.

Like how to date someone who is so busy working that she has no time to reply my smses not to mention come out for dates.

Fatigue and malaise these few days.
Today was the worse.
Low morale.

And to be honest but rather unfair, i think it's all becus of her.

i've a feeling this is one of the posts i might have to (hope i have to) delete in future.

I'm back at my old add.

Dear Blog,

I revived ur elder bro. May the 2 of you live in harmony ever after.

Dear blog,

This is kind of old news, but ya noe there were protests in australia cos some uni there was giving a honorary doctorate to LKY? I wonder how the average singaporean would feel reading such news. Must be weird. Dunno how extensive the coverage was in the free-to-air news though...

Anyway...one more week to africa... Met up with the army guys today. Ya noe blog, actually, although i admit i dun really noe that many pple, i feel that i have known all kinds of pple.

I have met smart pple, i've met not so smart pple.
I've met sincere pple, i've met pple whose words i have to be wary of all the time.
I've met constantly cheerful pple, i've met constantly negative pple.
I've seen pple work their asses off at work, i've seen pple slack like hell in their studies.
I've met pple who drive me up the wall, i've met pple who make me feel guilty that i might be taking advantage of them.

How can some pple just be so happy all the time??

She got my card afterall.

Haiz... i'm this this this close..... to jumping in.

See ya blog.

Dear blog,

Sorry i haven't been writing. U won't believe it, but despite the exams being over, despite seemingly having done a lot, despite things happening along the way, i still feel like a lot needs to be done, and i still feel some things are unresolved, and i still have things i want to say, to someone.

Which basically make this post-exams border on the verge of holiday blues and yet not really quite there yet.

Which basically means that it feels like shite but there isn't really a valid reason for this darn feeling.

Gonna be away for a while soon.

Talk abt dramatic timing...

We play basketball.
We play basketball in the rain.
We sing wu bai like nobody's business.
We run like crazy in the rain.

We must have really been crazy.

Exams came and went.

The world continues moving on. As it has always been.

1 more day to examz. This is going to be the pre-exam period with the least runs done (1), most junk food eaten, and most tv watched. And perhaps the most distracted too.

Thoughts. Wouldn' t it be nice if we could control what comes into our minds.

Exam period - just think study
TV period - just enjoy
Running period - lalalalalala

But no...the brain just had to think of the exact opposite of what u dun want it to think.

Exam period when i want to study, the brain had to start getting distracted, make me feel all needy, with rampant possible scenarios what may be, even though maybe somewhere deep inside it also noes how it will turn out.

And WATSUP with insomnia??? I want to sleep when i study but i can't sleep when i turn in at 1+ am???

and why the hell am i blogging when i should be studying or sleeping lah.....??

I is quite scared of losing this.

More scared than the examz probably.

When the fear of not doing anything exceeds the fear of doing something, what will happen?

Dear blog,

Sorry I've made u so unpopular. But too bad, this is the way i like it, for now at least.

Life's been not tat good with the exams coming up.

I dun like to have to study when all i can do is think about her.

I think this is not too healthy.

Will let u noe more when i feel like it.

Yours truly,
Lim Peh.

Gonna take 2 wks to cool down.

But i think it's gonna be hard, with stupid tots and distractions running amok.

We'll see what happens after the exams...

I learnt yesterday that the whole med fac comes back to sch to study durin the study break.

That some pple actually enjoy the whole process.

That too much of malay fried chicken wing is pretty disgusting.

That cold windy night in school is worse that cold windy night at home.

That i can't really help messaging her.

Even though i must wait long long for her reply.

That everytime i manage to get to the right lane, there will be construction ahead directing me back to the centre lane.

That vaccine jabs give me pain in the arms after pushups.

Dreamt about her last night. I m this close to jumping in.

Damn, this is scary...

Having to revise patho again after 3 (!) years. General patho is slowly shortening my lifespan. I actually wish i were studying O+G again instead.

Damn , this is lagi scary.

Electives to prepare + major exams + distractions galore = very luan again.

Issues...

I dun feel the love man..

Happy b'day to moi.

Started my b'day with stressful exams.

Then lonely time at big big pondside.

Then heavy++ sinful dinner.

Yup... perfect quarter century.

Blardy netscape screwing around with me again...

Serious of O+G tests for the past few days make me feel cheated of my CNY. But no further comments, in case i jinx my OSCEs tmr and kenna jialat jialt...

Gonna meet her on sunday. I think. What can i say. I still duno where this is leading. Though i'll prob noe if i do something. But i do something wait become notin then very sianz.... How like that...

Stupid eve of last paper, and most important paper and suddenly i find myself having notin more to study, at 11.30pm. Ok, maybe, or yah lah, got some more. But feels inconsequential. Am i numbed or am i just plain lazy??

Where shall i go tmr....?

I've slept so much, yet i feel as tired as i've ever been.

Unfamiliar situation of having exams straight after CNY.

Feels weird.

Selfishness is in the eye of the beholder.

She msged me last night. It was nice.

But i still duno how it will turn out.

Maybe i din really like her that way afterall.

Maybe i had got caught up in the series of events again afterall.

I heard foot steps behind me for the last km or so. So how, bo bian. Sprint lah. I think i sprinted for 1km. Cos i simply dun wanna be overtaken. Ya, even though i was ready to relac on the way back. I just din want to lose.

Strange though, i nv saw the person that was supposed to be behind me.

Notin good happened after today's run. She din msg me. I duno if i should msg her.

Y do things always screw up after everything's so perfect?

It's such a torture, to wait for a sms reply.

I have a confession to make.

I think I like her.

I just feel the urge to say what happened these 2 days.

Monday morning, saw her at the carpark, park beside me some more. I think she din realise it. She should have gone "shit!" in her head. She din call me. I was just putting on my tie and tag. She left pretty soon i think.

Lecture got cancelled. The "good fren" din come to sch in the morning. Lonely me wandered around in the wards.

Tutorial got cancelled. Went home early but promptly fell asleep for the next 3 hrs.

Today. Went to labour ward to wait for high-risk consult. Caused some discomfort in duno-so-well-classmate, who promptly asked me what i was doing there. I almost said, "dun worry, i m not here to steal ur cases."

After tutorial. Realised that i could have presented tmr so that i can sign a g cex. Declined offer to present after some conscience conflicts.

Saw her in the wards. She smiled and talked as usual. But left without telling me. I was showing quite a stern face. But i guess she just din want to be too friendly.

Home. Had to run into a taxi driver who prays before driving off. I waited 15 mins for his slot. Went to another slot, only to have him drive off immediately after that.

I is a bit pissed. After all of the above...

Numerous thoughts, suppressed only by the groggyness of not having enuf sleep. And of course the burden of endless chapters to read and procedures to do. I m supposed to take it slow. I should take it slow. But once again I have felt that sinking feeling and I don't like it one bit.

Gotta go study, to suppress these thoughts some more.

I feel like a little boy when i'm with her...

Once again, i is duno where i'm heading in this relationship.

The posting's been draining. Yet her sms always make me smile.

Feel like reviving my old blog. But kind of enjoying the peaceful life without a blog recently.

New insight. Din feel v good.

She called me dude.

Yah... dude...

"Could you spell Iraq?"

Talk about guility pleasures... Frankly, if i were on a show that calls me a geek everywhere i turn, i would be pretty pissed.

Saw her use the wallet. Felt kind of strange.

**

Went for run just now. I think i can never figure out why things always look better after a run.

Despite all the ranting against having hope (no hope, no disappointment), i realised tat all along, running has been about hope. I can't imagine a run without an ending point. There's always hope in reaching the ending point, in style sometimes; there's always hope in reaching the waterpoint; there's always hope in seeing a chio bu, haha...

Anyway, running clears the mind.

Oh ya, running with eyes closed still reminds me of her. Too.

Formalities formalities.

I hate formalities.

Certain things remind me of certain things.

Like "No Such Thing" by John Mayor remind me of Tekong Challenge.
And Far East Plaza, Orchard Cineleisure, and Prisonbreak remind me of her.

My mind is literally dying with every second of this holiday torture.

I think there should be a books on rules of dating. Rules that would always be rite and as long as everyone follow these rules, everyone will live happily ever after. Like maybe, one should juz give up on someone when she is so obviously cold towards u, for watever reason. But some smart aleck juz had to say things like "never give up", "no pain no gain", "perserverence will pay off" and such crap and everything becomes blurred again.

I dun understand, why i muz suffer like this.

It's been raining so much, i think i smell mushy now..

I dun handle holidays very well.

And despite everything, i still get into situations where i am baffled, and somewat bothered by cryptic messages...

I wish sch would start sooner. Though i noe i'll regret that when it actually does start.

I guess i'm not that as at ease as i thought i was.

Which basically kind of sucks.

There. I did it. I killed my blog.

Somehow...

It' s the hols once again.
It's the rainy season again.
Serious rainy season.

The urge to meet up with pple still lingers. Yet i find refuge in my comfort zone, where it's me, with juz me alone. Has had some reprieve from the emotional turmoil though. Somehow, this time i'm peacefully at ease. No more thoughts of missed chances, no more thoughts of what might have been. Hell, i dun even have someone in mind who i wish were with me when i feel lonely. There isn't a lot of trouble when there is no one in mind in the first place.

I think i wonder a lot of times, when and how i'll find that special someone. Someone who seems like a godsend, yet have enuf time to slowly find out about her, for her to find out abt me, and then somehow like each other.

Yah, somehow's the word. It has to be...

Stuff

I dun really noe what i'm supposed to do with this blog of mine. Though i say it's for venting, i think i probably meant it's gonna be about all things that i dun want pple to noe.

Gone thru a not-so-good period after the marathon. I duno y, someone decided to treat me rather coldly, despite all the rather happy times we spent together. I have my theories, esp since it was after a particular, erm, nvm (see, that's the problem. Though i'm supposed to vent and write what i want, i noe all too well the possibility of it being read by someone "accidentally".) Anyway, i've learnt to crawl out of this slowly. Sometimes i think it's for the better too, cos this relationship was not something i was really sure of. I was juz taking it as things came, trying what i could. But i guess at the end of the day, it's still disappointing.

I learnt to laugh again yesterday. Thanks, S and L.

Virgin post

For the record.

Jiabulah = Gabra
Ganlanshabu = kena sabo-ed